It feels like I hardly ever know you anymore. After all that has happened in the 3 months or so, I think you've became a totally different person. Somehow, someway, I find it difficult to reach out to you. We'll never be like how we were 4 years before, things have changed, people changed, and that includes you and me. I can no longer trust anything else that you've told me. I find it hard to believe you when you said it'll be over. A part of me feels like you no longer understand me anymore. Maybe we need to be apart, just like how I am from him, so that what retains in my memory are the good things, and only the good ones.


You make me feel that being happy is scary. I don't know when will I lose my happiness; the thought of being happy scares me because I don't know when will I lose that feeling.

I never knew goodbyes could be so hard until today.
As you walk out of the door, I couldn't look into your eyes, I know I haven't done enough to protect you from everything. It wasn't your fault, you never had to apologise for things you haven't done.

2 days ago before all happened, I was the happiest girl on Earth. Blessed with the best family members, and sitting around with my best friends at Timbre, having the time of our lives and cheering to the end of our Polytechnic journey. You'll never know that contentment with life, having the freedom and love from your loved ones.

Happiness is short-lived. My "happy castle" crumbled right in front of my face, the usual house which was filled with laughter, noise and everything a happy family had, gone, all gone. I stared at the mess in front of me, unable to process every thing that was said.

What happened to the promise? What happened to what you told me? It was disappointment that filled my eyes whenever I look at you. I never knew something like that will happen to us again. All I wanted was for my family to be happy, I need no riches to do so. I never needed the luxury of dining at any restaurant, even a simple meal at the hawker centre will warm my heart. But I guess everything  went wrong when I started Year 2. When I got busy, when I had too little time for my family... When I failed to see the things happening.

Fearful. I'm fearful of you. I'm fearful of having another half. I'm fearful of marriage. I'm fearful of starting a family. The wedding bells did not signify an end of a happy story, the end of a courtship, it signified the start of hell. It meant the start of changing each other's lifestyles to accommodate one another.

Will this happen to me? Will we have a change of heart when we are halfway down the road? Will we ever get tired of each other? Will we? Is the wedding vow even significant now? How many couples take the oath seriously? Everyone's separating because of what's gone and not fighting for what's left. Are our memories really distorted when we quarrel? That's why we fail to see the good, but instead focus on the bad only.

That's the reason why I'm not ready. All these things scare me. Marriage and having another half is such a scary thing to think of. We'll not know what the future has in store for us. How long are we able to enjoy the happy moments we have right now? When will our misery end? No one knows.

Trying to be positive gets harder everyday. Why is God putting me through so many trials? I'm tired, I'm worn out. 7 years of drama is well enough.


And this is me, still trying to be positive despite it all. At least, my sister and I are much closer now, we're talking more and standing together to get through all these together. I hope everything will be better soon..

It's been a while since I've been coming up here to share my thoughts and tomorrow's the last day of 2015.

I'm not gonna deny that I've had my fair share of ups and downs in this year. Overcoming my personal obstacles, always having my supporting friends, and my family members who are always so loving towards me.

What I've learnt a lot about in this year would be one word - Alone.

Yes, there are different ways which people interpret this word, not according to the dictionary of course. But often, we confuse lonely and being alone.

Well, you can say, "you've been complaining that you haven't been home, so you can now go home and pei your papa and mama what" but my parents are beginning to see that I'm always busy with work and our schedules just don't match each other's on most days. They begin to have their own events and plans, even when I've made time to stay at home for them.

Suddenly, I begin to like being alone. For half of the year, my friends are dispersed into everywhere in Singapore. It's hard to find time for a clique gathering. So, when I'm done with work, I'll just head home for a rest. (I became addicted to work too, because I have too much time on hand after work anyway. ) And when I'm having my off days, I spend most of my time alone, at home or out. I catch movies alone, go shopping alone, have meals alone.

I've always believe that somehow, it's always hard for a girl and a guy to stay as friends if they spend time alone together too much. I mean, just look at the protagonists in the movies, 85% fall in love with each other probably after an adventure or whatsoever. Really, how many pairs of boy and girl friends end up like Hermione and Harry?  As such, I begin to keep my distance from some of my friends. Yeah, I may be stupid for doing so, but I don't want to take the risk and put any of my friendships to the test. I've lost a friend this year for this and that's quite enough.

And going through all these, plus with the new found love of being alone.. I suddenly feel lonely on some days, without knowing it myself. I guess I should start finding means to differentiate those two feelings well in 2016, and stop feeling so meh.

Enough about being lonely.. but probably, because of that, the urge to find my other half became stronger, and I'm not sure if what I did all these while were means of filling up the void inside me. I mean I felt sad over what happened in 2014 and 2015, but it's like they don't affect me anymore. Could it be because the first is always the hardest to forget? I don't know.

While having a conversation with him the other day, I realised I never found closure. A little secret to share, I've always felt my life is a drama with wrong timings and filled with dramatic turn of events. Even my best friend found it so. I always remember what my uncle told me the other night - "Time will tell if we are meant for each other. " I feel like I'm 巧灵... always waiting for that someone who will never look back at you anymore.

OH WELL. Life is such.

Apart from that, I probably lost 2 other good girlfriends. As much as I hope we can be reunited as 5, I know it'll hard for us to forget whatever that has happened. I'm sorry for what I've done.

I really cannot wait for 2016 to come too. But Polytechnic life will end soon for me. I will miss having my group of friends in Polytechnic. I will miss everyone, especially those in my course. Though I have no idea what 2016 may hold, I'm gonna promise myself to look at it positively, and embrace whatever that comes my way.

Taking a break off GBE..

I'm so mentally exhausted from projects..

CAN SOMEONE SAVE ME :-(